I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
