Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
