Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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