I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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