She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
