I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
