I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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