Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Randomize
