My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
