I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
