I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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