My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
