I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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