Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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