Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
