census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
