There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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