He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
