Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
