Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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