At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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