he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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