How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
