I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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