I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
