Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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