I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
