i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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