i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize