i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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