Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
