Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
