Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize