you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
