I accidentally had phone sex last night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
