I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
