i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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