i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
