There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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