My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
