did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
