DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
