Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It's Friday. Sex?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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