it hurts more in the daytime
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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