i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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