You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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