you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
