Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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