i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
