meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
