just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
