ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My cat gives me a boner
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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