if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
