when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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