8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
