yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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