Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize