We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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