Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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