Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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