Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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