Plan B is the new Plan A
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Floor bacon is actually really good
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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