his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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